So, after I came to terms with the fact that I have the emotional range of a Vulcan and a cactus, and never really understood the emotional range of most women, I spent this week re-reading Coach Corey Wayne’s: 3% Man.  I’ve gone through a lot of painful growth this year.  I went through an angry-rejection phase, don’t care phase, and finally, a phase looking for answers of how I fuck things up, so I can be better in the future.  I read Coach Corey Wayne’s book during a dark time, but was more focused on Zen and withdrawing from the world (and all women), and thought I would re-visit the book recently, since he suggests reading it 10-15x’s, and I was tired of running.

Then, I had another epiphany.  I am a shitty communicator.  Well, I used to be.  Everything was cut and dry, and now I realize, I did not know how to be there emotionally, for anyone.

When my mother would yammer on about incoherent things during childhood, adolescence, and as an adult (all my life), and force me to go shopping, to me it was torture, and only now do I realize that she was trying to connect with me.  I never had a clue that was how some people (stereotypically women) bonded.  I just thought it was one of those things I would never understand, nor did I care to.  I would go fishing with my dad, barely talk, and feel closer to him than I ever did with my mom, just by doing things together.  This is stereotypically how men bond.  Studies have been done, that men feel closer by doing things together, and women, by talking.  But, this is taking a logical turn, when this post is about emotions.

Now, I  know most women need to talk about their problems to solve them.  For the most part, they do not want the people in their lives (ie. men, because most of us are clueless) to solve it, but listen and ask them questions, to show we care.  If we do not do those things, we shut women down emotionally, and hurt them (again, I had no clue).  And now I understand what most of my exes have told me, directly or through mutual friends (in girl code of course, so I never got it until this week).

As I read the book, all the frustration and anger that had built up, from not understanding anything, and not trusting because I did not understand anything, finally faded away to peace…just peace…that I was a complete idiot, and now I am a better version of that former idiot.  I’m glad I learned that hard lesson.

I am glad for every step in between: bitter, jaded, mistrustful, peaceful.  That seems like the logical order…live long and prosper.

I do not know if I will ever have children, but if there is a little girl that finds her way into my life, and she is uniquely stereotypical, I can now be a strong male figure in her life, to give her love in the ways she needs from me, and that is worth it.  I guess since I will be a teacher and a mentor, this will help me on that level as well.

C’est la vie.  No complaints here.

P.S.  My epiphany was helped by a female body-builder friend of mine who said that I sounded like a shitty communicator when I was asking for advice today, lol.  She was brutal, and that’s the communication I respond well to.

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