I am weak for the want and need of human contact. I wish I could bear being an orphan with no family better. I wish I had more than one true friend in the entire world, who I would trust with my life, but I guess it is better than zero.  With time, I am certain I will make more friends, but such friendships cannot be rushed, and are only cultivable through time.

That being said, I am glad life ripped me out of a fantasy.  Loyalty is the most important characteristic of any person to me.  If you betray me after earning my trust, no matter how badly I might long to forgive you, I might, but we will never be that close ever again.

At fourteen, my mother stole from me. Through the years, she never apologized. She never accepted me for who I am. She never loved me. It still hurt 6 years ago.  Hell, it hurt a year ago.  Today, I feel nothing about it, and I do not care.  A year changes a lot, especially the year I have experienced.

Over a year ago, my then, fiancée cheated on me. She got drunk when she went out of town, befriended a guy, and then had sex with him. She blamed it on the alcohol. While I was not there, that never would have happened if she truly loved me. It would never have gotten close to that point.  All I can be is grateful she told me. I still care for her as a friend, as someone who was there for me when I was going through so many changes, but I could never trust her, and virgo that I am, after she cheated on me, could never sleep with her ever again.

As soon as I learned of this betrayal, I found her physically repugnant. I slept on the couch that day forward. It did not help that after I dumped her, she proceeded to sleep with five other guys, to supposedly get over the pain, or punish me, but who cares at this point. Then, as I left the country, before I left, I gave her a volume of my dissertation.  She was one of the people I thanked for support, along with my boss and colleagues, for their support, and she kissed me on the mouth. I pulled away. She had a boyfriend, and here she was kissing me.  If I did not trust her before, never in my entire existence would I trust her again.

Sure, most men would pump and dump her: use her and forget about her. But, I am a fever. I ain’t born typical. I pulled away and acted like it never happened.  Why? I cannot be with someone, physically, who I let see me, who then betrayed me. I cannot be with a liar and a cheater for any reason, no matter how hot she is.  I have standards, which I know is a foreign word to most men and women.

I guess I also made a promise to myself to be celibate for a year, but if I were going to break that promise, that was definitely not the temptation.  Could she have ever gotten me back?  Honestly? No. She will stay in the Midwest, with a man, hopefully the family she wants, and hopefully be happy. I wish her the best, but I want to travel and see the world.  I want to be a Canadian and French citizen before I die. Holding that EU and Canadian passport in my hand will be such sweetness.  I want to work at L’Institut Pasteur.  I want to split my time in Europe and the Americas, as a professional scientist. That is my dream.  If I am single, I will learn German so I can cross the French border, and go to German brothels, where prostitution is legal.  That’s me.  I do not care, and when I care, I care.

There is rarely a between.

I think 2013 broke me.  I have loved three women, and I do not think I can love again. I do not believe in love anymore.

I had a mother who did not love me, so how on earth am I supposed to believe in romantic love?

I believe in mutual comfort, with the maximum of pleasure, and the minimum of pain.  However two consenting adults agree to achieve this, whether through marriage or non-monogamy, it is honestly none of my business.  Who am I to judge either way?  No one, that’s who.

Only time will tell.  I yearn to put down roots, yet to be free and see the entire world.  I am constantly pulled in two.  I have an intense yearning to connect, yet be alone.  I want to give my life treating people with Ebola, yet be alive to change the world in broader, more lasting ways, either through policy or writing about my unique, lived experiences.

They say things end where they began, and things have come full circle in my love life, if you look at it in a certain light.

Perhaps this is the multiverse’s way of telling me to come to terms with the fact that I will likely be an eternal bachelor who frequents brothels, like Rhett Butler.  Rhett’s waiting for Scarlett to come around made him miserable in the end.  Sure, myself and every man like me has a Scarlett.  The question then becomes, how much are we willing to sacrifice in giving a damn until there are no damns left to be given?

All the world’s a stage.  I guess it’s time to start saving to hire a nice nurse to care for me in my winter years.

That said, I will always have this secret yearning that some people call male mother need: the longing to have a woman adore you, and re-affirm that you are special. Most men have it.  Most women long for a caring and handsome millionaire like Mr. Darcy, and most men yearn for a woman who makes him feel like a strong, capable, handsome, man: the only man she’s ever loved or will ever love.  Below is a video example of that yearning.

Angel-A(2005)

What a beautiful fantasy, but that is all it is! It is that yearning that keeps men chasing women who are just not interested, have no feelings, or have fallen out of love.

It is this dream that makes men search just over the horizon, and continue to put women on a pedestal in the vain hope that this will make her love him.

The sad fact is that this needy behavior is the reason she won’t and never will.

Only by not caring might this dream come true, but then it is too late. That is the irony, and I am convinced life is just one long, inescapable, ironic joke.

It is too late for all parties at that point, because by then, the dream is dead: a raisin in the sun.  Adding nails to the coffin, most people are too much of cowards to do what is needed for the little hope that remains to turn the changing tides, so you might as well let the raisin continue to dry and forget about it completely.

Only when all parties are interested in making a mutual effort, does that most unlikeliest of possibilities, increase slightly in chance, and make it to reality.

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