The universe has an ironic, witty, sense of humor: the kind that gives you the middle finger, and best compliments, all wrapped in one. After spending the last few weeks nursing a wounded ego more than stone heart, I rode the emotional roller coaster in all its glory. I only wanted what I could not have, because I was not returning the calls of five, beautiful women, to sit at home and write.
After days of commanding I get over my huge ego, I finally managed it, surprised I could do it so quickly. I guess I was getting better at this now, with advancing age. I can be an unapologetic asshole when needed, but I finally came together, and redeemed myself with two women I had unnecessarily hurt, one way or another.
How much will these broiling feelings matter in 10 years, 20 years, or 50 years? If the answer is, ‘Not much,’ there is no point. Move on. It is easier said than done, but still worth pondering.
In the big picture of our individual energies on a small blue dot in an infinite universe, emotions become laughable, because you are not a unique, special snowflake, but stardust assembled over billions of years to return to unfeeling atoms and energy as before.
Understand in context:
Being locked in the prison of your own mind and pettiness is a sad waste of this finite life.
Retrospectively, it will not matter. Arbitrarily, when something ends, a new adventure awaits.
Finally wrestling and defeating my overgrown ego, Tuesday, before I left work, I mended one bridge. As I left, a beautiful red-head that reminded me of where it all began, stopped to ask for directions. Her eyes lit up in interest as well as curiosity, and she gave me the warmest smile I have seen in a long time. It was uncanny how much she mirrored the person where it all started. The universe was playing with my head like never before. I gave her directions, and I got her phone number. It was bizarre. Now, a phone number is just that, but instant, good karma is rare indeed. The universe was already rewarding me in the best of ways for getting over myself.
Thursday, I mended another bridge, long ago burned. Once again, the universe rewarded me a few hours later. This reward was more dicey. A woman I have met a few times told me that she is in the midst of a seven-year itch, and wants to explore those feelings with me. She stared me down with forbidden hunger in her eyes. At this moment, I felt blind panic. The cosmos was delivering me emotionally unavailable people, just like myself. The universe was being cute-asshole. I laughed it off, but as I left, one of the people in the circle told me that this particular woman had her sights on me, and I better watch out. Ready or not, here she comes. She’ll probably find me, because I won’t make it too hard.
This means, there is bad karma coming my way, yet my inner bad boy does love to chase a nice drama, and ride the roller coaster all the way down before the carnage.
On the other hand, I have offers of adventure in Thailand and Australia when I find the time. The universe gives a lot—too much!
I finally got home after a very long day to see that I received a message from a one-night stand, informing me that I am her soulmate.
This crushed me like never before. I have never been good at breaking up with people. I like a certain familiarity at the same time as I like brand new things, and always feel pulled between the two.
In my youth, I spent the entire summer chasing an older woman, convincing myself, as well as her, that I loved her, only her, and would for the remainder of my life. I wore down her apprehensions about my age over two months. Let me tell you, that evening I got her address, and she told me to come over, was like Christmas, New Years, July Fourth, and a birthday party, rolled into one. She talked about her travels when she was my age, and I talked about university this and that. She invited me to her bedroom. Use your imagination. There was lingerie. She pulled out all the stops in her seduction. Yeah, two months of waiting was worth it!
As you can guess, once I graduated and moved away, I called for a month or two, but eventually, I stopped, and I moved on. These things happen in long distance arrangements. I went back to visit friends a year later, and learned she was not the least bit happy I stopped calling.
I do not know if it was her lack of encouragement, or me coming to reality, but either way, I still feel bad. A part of me wanted it to last forever, even though she would be 49 now, so it would have been very impractical for so many reasons.
In romance, I need to constantly remind myself to be mindful. I sincerely believe I can deliver the moon and stars to the object of my affections, but I have only had one successful long-term relationship. Arguably, that relationship lasted so well because she chased me, and loved me so much, the beast became a prince. And how often do fairy tales come true, and stay true?
The universe is the one with the sense of humor. Either way I’ll laugh, cry, grow, hurt, be pleasantly surprised, and remind myself when one adventure ends, the universe always seems to deliver me with another fun one.
Will the siren song make me crash my boat? Will I make my way home to a loving wife, Penelope? Will she wait? Am I worth waiting for?
We all have our Odyssey. Good luck with yours.
Wish me luck with mine.