We walked along the cobblestone path in darkness with mixed shadows of artificial light.
After her text, I did not want to move or see her. It took all my energy to rise from the couch, put on clothing, and walk out the door.
I knew I would only be met with lies. I did not want to see fallacies fall from beautiful lips, yet intrigue forced me forward. A dirge played in my mind, and the more I wanted to hate her, the more I only felt empathy and desire to untwist the tormented energy and confusion embracing our interaction.
Why do people lie? Children are bluntly truthful. Human beings have the truth forced out of them, either as their parents punish them for honesty, or society, but either way, no matter how angry I wanted to feel, her dishonesty only made me mute with sadness. When the truth will not be told, is there anything left to do but walk away?
I took a shot of whiskey before I left to walk onto the oncoming train wreck of confusion and lies. A drunken gaggle of women in the park walked toward deeper darkness in the form of an unknown location. One yelled for me to come out of the closet. Her voice screeched my eardrums, like a harpy, in her attempt to hen-peck at me for attention. If she were two, she would be crying for me to pick her up and play with her. I walked on as if I did not hear, which normally I would not have, but my earphones stopped working a block before. The universe wanted me to hear this, and I took it in, trying to learn its deeper meaning. Everything is rarely as it appears on the surface.
I wore black skinny jeans and a well fitting leather jacket. Somehow when I wore sagging jeans and a baseball cap, I was either a rapist, drug dealer, or thug, yet somehow, as a black man, being fashionable made me gay? I could be a thug, or gay, but nothing in between according to her mass-media warped version of the world of reality. This was a sad reality she lived in, and I felt no envy for it.
No, this woman also screeched because I am an attractive man who paid her no attention as she walked by, so she felt some primal desire to reject me before I supposedly, sexually rejected her, either due to my perceived homosexuality or plain heterosexual disinterest. Most modern men are so desperate for sex that a simple rebuff of a woman for any reason leaves her desperate to protect her ego and sexual market value. As such, the scene requires loud screeching that the man must be gay, because it could not possibly have anything to do with her, or his emotional needs. Men are not allowed emotional needs, and if they are, they must be secondary to a woman’s. Never mind how many men deal with ego-rejection daily, often every night by a woman they love very much, yet still society tells them they must have the strength to persevere. If the tables were turned, I wonder how many women could deal with the ego pounding to bear their fair share for equality. If they truly want it, so come all the nasty responsibilities.
I have had so much meaningless sex with women I do not care about, or remember. The best sexual experiences I have had were with women I cared for deeply. It was as if we went to a place above heaven, and below hell, that only we could experience together, and would never experience again.
I have had such vapid and plain sex at this point in my life, if I am not getting an earth-moving experience, or something that could lead to it, it is not worth the ATP of removing my clothes. You could explain this away as my having a Saturn in Sagittarius—desiring experiences of enlightenment—or exalted Mercury in Virgo in need of deep analytical communication, and even an exalted Mars in Capricorn, slow to burn, but focused in intensity once its fires are stoked. You could attribute it to any and all of those things, or just the fact that I have been sick, I have been poor, I have worn tattered overalls, I have had no one, and I am only interested in expending energy on people I know cherish me for all the individuality I have to offer.
This does not include so called ‘enlightenment tantric sex’ orgies where I rub the clitoris of a woman I do not know and will never see again. It is quite the opposite, as in, we will never connect in any meaningful way without exploring, and that only comes with time. No one masters any art in one day, but if you want to be mediocre at a lot of different things, then that is your path, but not mine.
Some have their Peters.
But I will stay for the person who wants me to be her Valjean.
Lost in the darkness, I turned down one side street after another, fatigued from my work out and the evening stroll of combative women in auto-rejection over my mere presence and perceived misunderstandings. As attractive as I am, it is weird anyone would feel compelled to close themselves off to me before even trying to get to know me. I could have been open to them, and here, they slam the door in my face on sight in some weird attempt to protect themselves? Either way, now they will never know what we could have had because they were so afraid of loss.
My south node, or Ketu, and Venus are in Libra. Some interpret this as meaning my karmic lesson in this life is to learn to accept loss in love. Loss, after loss, after loss, but the funny thing is, as soon as I feel the deepest sadness of relinquishing something I wanted with all my heart, another being or circumstance enters my life that makes handling my loss at least bearable, if not peaceful and complete.
I walked in lost darkness to serendipitously find my dinner partner. I honestly thought I would never see her again, and there she stood, real and present. As the evening wore on, there was something she was not telling me. The longer she did not, no matter how patient and communicative I was, the more I felt an ocean rising between us.
It swelled, and only I rowed toward understanding. Even if she needed to tell me that there was someone else, or no one else, some experiences of her past made her fearful to be honest and real, so we circled the real issue without actually arriving.
It was almost as bad as starting and not finishing, except with all the mediocrity of my last few sessions among strangers with no clue, I had even gotten used to that horror, before eventually taking a break from it all together in empty disappointment, like Lenny Kravitz.
And I walked away without looking back to let her wrestle with the issue she refused to disclose, tired, but empathetic. I hoped she could find the person with whom she could be true, honest, and open, with no sense of fear, loss, or as if the other person’s anger was anything but temporary.
My anger is controlled, like a hearth. It burns bright, and then it is finished, ready again for communication and connection. It does not hold grudges, because it has learned through experience that grudges harm the holder more than the object of obsession. The object of obsession could honestly care less most of the time.
I am a man. I want to be a father, and not just any father, but a magnificent father. I am working past by boyish, petty, selfish energies to try and become a solid rock or dependability, empathy, and understanding for the loves of my life to find.
A child’s love and a parent’s love are extremely different. A child expects to receive, and therefore loves, as child must. A parent gives and nurtures to love, as well as show love, and that is the energy I want to manifest from the ethos of my being and connection to all.
I used to be extremely selfish. However, the first woman I loved saw through me, into me, and past me with deep Scorpio eyes, and then she told me exactly what I should be, with the wisdom of an evolved phoenix.
She recounted stories of party days in her youth, relishing stinging prey, diving into the deepest seas of emotions through anger, love, hate, envy, and much more, with an intensity few will know but those with the deepest of waters to bear.
I refused to let anyone see me, yet somehow, she did.
What did she say?
She told me I had the unique and beautiful potential to help so many people, yet I refused to embrace these best of energies in myself, due to my pure selfishness.
And if I refused to live up to my potential, it was a shame it could not be directly transferred to someone else who would die for the opportunity.
Perhaps I should die to release it for better use.
Yes, harsh, but she only challenged me according to where I was, and what she knew I could handle.
I felt shame, and she was, and will always be, the last person I hope to disappoint.
If I have done anything good to help others, or myself, it would not have been without her. And I know for a fact that someone helped her find her way as well, because she used to be as lost as me. This is what some call the diamond net of Indra: we are all a connected series of cause and effect with remarkable power.
And with great power comes equal responsibilities.
I strive everyday to live up to everything she saw in me. I will not allow anything to deter me from that path. Her saving me will not have been for not.
It took her seven years to finally admit she cared for me as more than just a platonic protégé, but I am glad we never corrupted the pure connection we had with something else, which undoubtedly would have made our connection messier. It wasn’t due to my lack of trying, but her wisdom.
Oh well, it was for the best, but in the moment…